It’s been nine months

Today marks the ninth month since our little Zack went to heaven.

I’ve been thinking of finally getting his headstone done. I put it off for so long because doing so felt so final. Like it’s an acknowledgement that he is really and truly gone. He’s lost to us, to me forever.

The truth is, he is gone, so far gone from our sight. But he’s never far from our thoughts. He lives in our hearts. That’s how we all achieve immortality, isn’t it? By living in the hearts of those who love us.

I miss my little boy.

When we got him as a puppy, it never occurred to me that we will outlive him, that we will see him grow old and pass away. After all, no one thinks of the end. When life threw curve balls at us, I was more concerned and worried for him, not us. When his health started declining, we tried our best to keep him going, loving him, figuring out how to make him feel better, trying to keep up with his changing needs. Nothing was too expensive for our little boy. But we couldn’t fight the ageing process. Our little boy, who fought with everything he had, eventually had to leave his body behind. His body couldn’t keep up with his lively spirit anymore.

He brought more love and laughter in our lives than most people can. He’d have his moments of zoomies, running around in figure eights while his dad and I watched him. He was there on the couch with us while we watched TV (but not The Walking Dead – he’d watch that show so seriously that he sat so close to the TV). He slept on his crate for the longest time, but eventually, we allowed him on the guest bed, which became his bed. He’d fall asleep on the bed with us, snoring away contentedly as he occupied such a big space on the bed. When times were tough, he had a worried look on his tiny face while touching our knee with his paw. He was there when I’d get sick, constantly checking up on me while I lay in bed. And who can forget how much he loved his daily walks?

Nine months later, we miss him like crazy. He was my baby, our little angel. I wish he knew, he felt how much we loved him. To this day, he’s still my sunshine, my only sunshine.




More flashbacks to 2001

2001-08-20 / 1:31 a.m.
little ms. birthday girl

My birthday is today.

I’m 27 and married. What a birthday it is for me today. Change in age, change in marital status.

Nothing special planned today (I think). Spent this past weekend in Connecticut. Had nothing but fantastic meals, lots of laughter and good-spirited fun. I’m not going to work BECAUSE.

I’m entitled. I’m birthday girl.

I do wish my husband (still can’t get over the fact that I already have one) wouldn’t go to work today. Of course I didn’t tell him. I don’t want to sound too demanding.

Strangely though, the past two days I’ve been seriously thinking about what I’m going to do with my life. Now that I’m married, the more I want to do things. Just to contradict what people have been telling me that once I get married, I can no longer do the things I want. One thing is clear: I want to leave New York once the economy goes on the upswing.

Give me a cake. I have some wishes to make…

2001-08-11 / 5:30 p.m.
RI road trip

Just got back from Rhode Island. Not only did we go to Newport, we also went to Providence! The road trip was ok. What posed as a challenge to us was finding an available hotel room. Turns out that there was not only a jazz festival, but a blues festival as well! Most hotels were fully occupied. Naturally, there were a lot of visitors when we got there. Thankfully, we eventually stumbled upon a hotel. We had dinner in this restaurant which locals frequent. I can’t remember the name of the restaurant right now though. We took a walk in downtown Newport, which was just alive with tourists!

The next day, we drove around and checked out the mansions, the beaches, even ate at the Atlantic Club something. I ate a broiled cull lobster, first time!!! After sightseeing in Newport, hubby thought of going to Providence. Once again, we were on the road on our way to Providence. By then, there was just a downpour! Still we forged on to see Providence. Unfortunately, when we got there, the downpour was so bad that we didn’t even get to really sightsee around Providence. Then again, there hardly seemed to be anything major happening in Providence that day. We left Providence and had to take up shelter in West Greenwich for the night.

What a fun little adventure for the two of us.

2001-08-09 / 1:23 p.m.
off to Newport!

Yay! Hubby and I are leaving for Newport, Rhode Island today! He’s driving. I’m soooo happy! We didn’t book any hotel room. We’re just leaving off for parts unknown…an ADVENTURE! I’m amused thinking how spontaneous this trip is. I’m glad he agreed. We’ll see what happens during our little adventure.

2001-08-07 / 3:15 p.m.
back from Florida

I really, REALLY didn’t want to go back today. The weeklong vacation in Florida is over and done with. I want to go somewhere now. I don’t want to spend my entire vacation here.

I had sooo much fun in Florida, way too much fun that now, I can’t believe that I’m back here in New York.

New York = work

Florida = fun

That’s why I’m sad now. A bunch of cliches rush in my mind, “how fast time flies”, “time flies when you’re having fun”, etc. etc.

I still can’t believe I’m a married woman. I actually now have someone I can refer to as “my husband”. I still refer to him as “my fiancé! A yearlong engagement can do that, you know.

Anyway, maybe I can convince my husband to drive out of state up till the weekend anyway. Pennsylvania? Rhode Island? Connecticut? New Jersey? I hope he’ll see the wisdom in extending our vacation.


The recollection continues

2001-08-29 / 9:42 p.m.
skirt, bad day, peace man

a black skirt an inch above my knees with an 8-inch slit on both sides.

can anybody imagine themselves wearing that at work? only goes to show you, I need to buy a full-length mirror. how i managed to survive wearing something as scandalous like that in an office as conservative as mine is totally, totally beyond me.

today was a bad day at work. I won’t waste my time or yours whining about what an awful day it was.

interesting part of the day: I saw Sri Chinmoy. I thought it was him, but I wasn’t sure. I checked the internet tonight and yes, he was the man I saw. he looked quite like a peaceful man.

to think he walked in front of me, then we walked side by side, and eventually I overtook him. people were staring at him in awe while I was just like “I wonder if he’s Sri Chinmoy? he looks like a Sri Chinmoy.”

I saw mr. peace man in my shortest skirt! how scandalous for him!

“Peace does not mean the absence of war. Peace means the presence of harmony, love, satisfaction and oneness.” -Sri Chinmoy, Peace Run Founder

THAT Sri Chinmoy. one of the reasons I enjoy working where I do is that I see people whose names you just read about in the newspapers, magazines, etc.

2001-08-28 / 6:03 p.m.
late night duty

still at the office, waiting to find out if i have to do late duty tonight. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that i won’t have to. *cross my fingers* I don’t really want to. I’m so freakin’ lazy since i went back to work. it’s a wonder I actually get things done here in the office.

anyway, ever thought of how gut feel works? Ever met someone, talked to them, spent time with them, and realized that you don’t reallytrust this person? I know one such person here at work. I’m not saying she’s a bad person, of course. I just don’t trust her. it’s very weird.

her behavior reminds me so much of an ex-aunt of mine. the way she looks at me when we talk. the way she speaks. even her affected mannerisms. of course, you won’t mistake them for twins–physically, they’re worlds apart. it’s just the manner that’s so frighteningly similar.

when she shares with me her tales of woe about her work, her roommates, etc., I feel for her, yet I have a feeling that there’s more to her stories than what she’s revealing. somehow, it seems likely that she’s actually doing something to cause her misadventures.

but enough about her. time to go back to work now. 

2001-08-27 / 11:08 p.m.
misery MUST love company, ‘no?

sometimes people are just unbelievable.

they ask you for pictures. when they see it, their reaction is “oh?”

i have been lugging around this photo album that my older sister organized for me (a series of unofficial pics) everyday since Tuesday of last week just because of these people! *frown ever so slightly*

Lunch dates with three different persons from work (to protect their identities, I opted to call these three ladies Ms. A, Ms. B & Ms. C): Ms. A was really interested in what happened during the wedding. she was so delighted with what I shared. I felt awkward, though, when she asked how much we paid for everything! I usually don’t answer that type of question so I just let her guess the figure. of course, I was also more concerned with my California & vegetarian tempura rolls. Ms. B was more concerned with asking me, “are you pregnant? are you pregnant?” kept asking me for a future ‘niece.’ kept asking me how come I still walk straight when I’m a recently married person. kept asking me how I can still come up for air when hubby and I should be busy shagging away. what was that about? anyone, please tell me! the third one, Ms. C, was more involved with her OWN love story! her mind was miles away during our lunch, thinking of the guy she’s been e-mailing with.

I planned to keep my wedding recap as short and sweet as possible when people asked me about it. it’s only here in this diary that I actually made my storytelling quite comprehensive. but with these lunch dates of mine, I hardly even got started on my stories.

yet I wonder why do these people even BOTHER taking me out for lunch! the first one was actually interested in what I was saying. the last two, I wish I could say the same thing. their eyes actually glazed over once I told them what happened during the wedding. if they weren’t interested, why do they even bother???

just feed me or leave me be. don’t even pretend you want to know how the wedding was. it’s one thing if they’re good pretenders. but when it’s sooo obvious that they hardly give a hoot, let’s just spare each other the misery. it’s not as if I desperately crave company to tell the wedding stories to.

maybe I sound like such a big ungrateful (rhymes with witch), but hey, how would you feel if the person who took you out has a glazed expression on their faces without even hearing what happened? they took one look at the pictures, sighed and then spaced out.

spare me your misery. that way, you’ll spare me mine.

2001-08-24 / 10:07 p.m.
a realization

I noticed something now that I’m married.

my gal pals from work don’t call me now. Not even to chat. my gal pals from college not only did not congratulate me on my wedding, they also did not greet me on my birthday (not all of them anyway). my pals from my previous work hardly e-mails (although two of them DID email their congratulations).

seems like I gained a husband and lost all my friends.

on the other hand, it’s a good thing. made me realize that yes, I was right in marrying him…right in leaving my country when I had the chance. my youthful folly though, was thinking my friends could replace him.

now he proves me wrong. of course, it’s always nice to be wrong sometimes…

2001-08-22 / 11:30 p.m.
sex talk: let’s get real

I belonged to an exclusive all-girl group back in high school. we were ten in the group and all the other girls wanted to be part of it. most of us are married now, with me being the newlywed. before I got married, they would all discuss their sex lives, etc. etc. sometimes I’d cringe at the amount and degree of personal information they’d share; yet I never uttered a complaint. nor did I say anything slightly judgmental about what they were sharing. even though my husband & I were boyfriend/girlfriend for 6 years, I hardly contributed anything to the conversations. the girls are ever quick to point out that they’re married; hence, legally allowed to talk about sex by whatever authority they can think of.

after I got married, they all asked me how the wedding night was, how the honeymoon was. since I believe that whatever happens between you & your husband should stay that way, I kept mum and just gave generic statements like “it’s wonderful!” etc. etc.

today I chatted with one of them. I mentioned reading a book on how pearl necklaces were used during “playtime”. she happily advised me to share it with the other girls, as they were sure to find it amusing. I e-mailed everyone with a warning “Not for the faint-hearted”.

everything, of course, was all in good fun. reaction was quick! the information made them giggle with glee, while of course, keeping the info in mind. others were way grateful and even asking for more tips. some were even impressed that I was doing my research! then we all received this e-mail: “what else can I say? It’s really different when one gets married. You act as if you have the license to be rude. Unless of course, you are really rude to begin with, just repressed.”

she did try to lessen the blow by putting little smiley faces. then again, she wanted to be Ms. Know-It-All in the field of sex, what with her e-mails full of innuendoes and supposed trysts with her husband. all of a sudden, I came along, newly married and the others were calling me the expert! maybe I shouldn’t have taken it personally. no, I didn’t e-mail in reply. it pissed me off majorly though. it wasn’t as if my e-mail was pornographic. even the others said the way I shared this information was so wholesome, it made them want to try it out. I tried to keep it as nice as possible so as not to offend.

let’s get real here, ladies and gentlemen. isn’t it common knowledge what married couples do?

if you’re old enough to do it, then you should be old enough to say it, mention it and talk about it. I don’t see why she suddenly made it seem like I’m this sexually repressed individual with nothing better to share than kinky sex tips! to begin with, they were also that way until I got married!

all of sudden, someone’s playing the prude