2001-10-03 / 3:45 p.m.
hell of an office
I worked in the English Unit before. Now I’m trying to help a person who wants to leave that office. I’m not trying to sabotage the unit. I want to help.
I worked there for a year. It started off beautifully. The supervisor loved my productivity. She & her favorite considered me their protege. Until the day I learned that her favorite talks behind my back. That she picks on every single thing I do–whether it be attendance, production, etc. It didn’t matter to my supervisor that I was doing a damn good job. All she did was listen to her favorite.
I went cold turkey and just stopped talking to Lourdes. I will not allow myself to associate with someone like that.
Now there’s another person they’re torturing. They pick on her for everything–her perfume, her desk, anything!
I’m doing my best to help her find a place to move into. I’m not really close to her, but lately we’ve been meeting for breakfast. I’m giving her the listening ear I never had when I was in that unit. Even up to now, I haven’t forgiven Flotsam & Jetsam for what they did to me. Maybe I should start trekking the path to forgiveness. Maybe I should start forgetting. Essentially, by holding on to the hurt they made me feel, I’m giving them power and allowing them to still haunt me.
But I’m not ready.
Thinking about that place makes me think I’ve been to hell and back. I survived. I might be wounded, but I survived.
When I’d talk to the new ‘flavor of the month’, e.g., shit list addition, I relive my experience there. It happens to me all over again. And like what happened before, I’m good and determined. No one, and I mean no one must go through the hell I experienced.
It must not happen again.
2001-09-30 / 10:55 a.m.
Woke up at 6:20 a.m. today. Had a horrible nightmare. Isn’t it interesting how you are able to surprisingly will yourself to wake up in the midst of a horrific nightmare?
I dreamt the war officially began. America’s enemies are bombing the country. I was stuck in Manhattan. Underground, a group was congregated watching news coverage that wasn’t shown by mainstream TV stations. I slid down to that lair (don’t ask me how or why, this is a dream, after all). From the lair, I saw what was happening outside–Americans in a queue, ready to board the planes that will transport them to the enemies’ place, ready to defend their country.
All of a sudden, there was a loud siren.
Everyone started running, including me.
I looked out the window. The city was all bombed out already. Lady Liberty was lying on her back. The Empire State & Chrysler Buildings were gone. New York City was in a state of chaos, with bombs dropping all over the place.
In the building where I was, we were told to evacuate. This Nazi-like man said they were taking us to camp. While we were being shepherded down the stairs, he was blasting off those he considered unfit and useless.
I had the crazy urge to go back to my desk and get some letters I wrote for my husband–letters which I supposedly wrote while the bombs were dropping. I wanted to bury them in the ground if I was unable to mail them to him. The nasty man allowed me to go up, but with a rifle pointed at my head. He was ready to shoot my brains out.
After I got and hid the letters under my clothes, I saw an officemate of mine, crying and weeping about her husband and her kids. One look at her and the bad man blasted her to smithereens. I started running down the stairs.
Downstairs, I found women in grouped together wearing this drab black uniform. Someone forced this uniform in my hands and told me to wear it. That was when I thought, “this is a dream, I have to wake up now.”
I fell asleep again around 9:30. Guess what, the dream continued.
I dare not think my dreams are prophetic. It’s too frightening.
2001-09-20 / 2:42 p.m.
TV & film industry’s decision to stop showing Twin Towers: no-no for me
“TV, film execs reassess scheduling, content”
I can only shake my head at this headline. I read this last Friday, been ruminating about it and its implications. I feel sorry that they’re doing this. I’m not a callous, unfeeling, heartless, mean person who wants to keep seeing and seeing footages of the World Trade Center.
I just don’t see the point in trying to take out images of the Twin Towers. To me, it’s like a travesty. Erasing the memories of the Twins is like collectively forgetting, collectively deleting them from our consciousness, our minds, in the guise of moving on.
I feel outraged just thinking about it.
If we all stop showing a NY skyline minus the Twins, yes, it’s reality. Yes, we’re being sensitive to those who had families and friends who died there or are still missing. Yes, seeing those two buildings is like a sore wound, but to completely try to forget it ever existed is like making into nothing what other people died for. Thousands DIED in those towers, for crying out loud! How can we just pretend the towers were never there?
I feel a sharp pang whenever I see movies that feature the NY skyline one way or the other (“Someone Like You”, “When Night Falls”, etc.). How can you not feel that way when the Twin Towers helped define the NY skyline, in the same way the Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building and others continue to do? One look at the WTC and you know it’s New York City.
I really hope the entertainment industry will stop treating this like they’re wearing kids’ gloves. WTC existed and it’s gone now. We want to remember what it stood for, what it was and what eventually happened.
Do not make it easier for us to forget. We don’t want to forget. We won’t forget. At the same time, we need something to help us remember.
Don’t take that from us.
2001-09-17 / 9:39 p.m.
religious high ground
I’m still reeling from being called a “sinner” (because the civil wedding we had isn’t sanctioned by the Church) and having committed “mortal sin” by “living in sin”.
Who would’ve thought chatting with a friend could be so…so galling? She tried to be diplomatic about it, but eventually she used those terms anyway. *sigh* Serves me right, I was talking about tolerance and how intolerance contributed to what happened here in NY last week. I was being open-minded and she went in for the kill. I knew she didn’t approve of our civil wedding, but I wanted to hear it straight from her. She then asked me if we knew the Catholic consequences of getting married there.
I never even had the chance to defend myself and our choice.
I believe in God, but I don’t think He judges harshly. He judges with compassion and understanding.
It’s people who don’t.
“Without realizing it, we put ourselves above them, and it never occurs to us that this is arrogance.” (from a Youngblood article)
2001-09-14 / 5:07 p.m.
There are days when I look back on my life. I wonder why I’m friends with the people I’m friends with. Sometimes I question my decision to stay in touch with my high school friends.
They are my roots. They take me back to a time when I was young and responsibility-free. Not that I want to go back. I like knowing that someone knew me then.
They’re catty, gossipy, and competitive. In the same vein, they’re a thoughtful and perfectionist bunch … for the most part.
I stay because I’m different from them. I stay because I value loyalty—their loyalty. I stay out of a sense of obligation. I harbor no illusions that we’re all the same as we were in high school. It would be extremely pathetic if such were the case.
I stay out of a sense of duty to what they represent to me. I want to know someone also remembers—the good, the bad, the funny, and the sad—because there might come a time when I might forget.