It’s been seven months

It’s Zack’s seventh month in heaven.

Today, while I was waiting for hubby to park the car in a parking lot, a little kitten with the same coloring as Zack kept following me, looking at me straight in the eyes, meowing and even leaning against my feet. Little thing triggered my allergies, of course, complete with itchy eyes, runny nose, even coughing.

My sister said it was Zack Cat.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do about the kitten. It was hanging out in a parking lot where it could easily get run over. I messaged a friend who has many cats at home, and she gave me advice on what to do just in case the kitten follows us again in the parking lot. Over dinner, hubby asked me what we’ll do if the kitten’s still waiting for us outside. I thought of two names for it – Catriona and Katniss (even if I didn’t know if it was a boy kitten or girl kitten). But the thing is, cats and I don’t mesh well together no thanks to cat allergies as proven by that encounter.

Everyone I told about that kitten and shared its picture with said it had a Zack look about it. That maybe Zack sent it my way on his seventh month. That maybe it was better that I was distracted by it, instead of being sad because it’s been seven months since we lost Zack.

Worrying about the kitten made me forget that it was Zack’s seventh month in heaven, even for a short time. That forgetting made me feel even more sad.


Goodbye, 2018. Hello, 2019!

2018 was a pretty much a bipolar year for me with its extreme highs and extreme lows.

Extreme high: We moved back to the Philippines. After years of wanting to go back.

Extreme low: We lost Zack. Tried to fill the void by going to new places and buying new things. Did it help? The travels did; the shopping, not so much.

Then there are the lessons learned/re-learned along the way. . .

  1. Pet grief is real. Too damn real. I recorded it here in this blog, so you can see how real it is. These furbabies offer and share their lives with us, and there aren’t any wakes, eulogies and what-have-yous to celebrate their lives. I find that pretty sad.
  2. Losing someone isn’t always a bad thing, though it isn’t always a good thing either. It just is. There are those you think you’d lose your marbles if you lost them. Only to find out that the world didn’t end…you didn’t lose your marbles…in fact, you actually ended up alright. Then there are those you think you’d be okay living without, only to find out their absence destroyed you.
  3. Strangers can treat you better than those you’ve known forever. Once again, it’s just the way it is. There are people out there who can treat you and your heart with kindness. Sometimes, the ones we’ve known for so long are the ones who break and/or trample over our hearts.
  4. Love is blind. Sometimes you love someone so much that you don’t see them for who they are. You don’t see how you’re getting treated, how you’re settling for crumbs of their attention. Sure, just because someone doesn’t love you the way you love them, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. But if the love is a one-way street, then it’s probably a one-way street headed nowhere. Even friendships should be mutual. Effort is required.
  5. Nobody is busier than someone who isn’t interested in you. I don’t just mean romantically, though it applies too. If they’ll give their time to everyone else except you, take the message for what it is. There are people out there who want to spend their time with you and who will willingly make time for you. You won’t need to wonder, beg or plead for their attention. They’ll just give it to you.
  6. Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don’t expect it from cheap people. Find those who appreciate your honesty and who also give it back to you.
  7. Listen to your gut. Especially when you get that weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. It’ll save you a lot of headache in the long run.
  8. Let go. Sure, letting go is scary. It hurts like hell. But sometimes it’s the only option there is. Here’s a good quote to remember about letting go.
  9. I don’t think I’m going to like it at all. I think it’s going to hurt. But after the hurt I think maybe something good and strong and beautiful will come out of it.

    Kathryn Erskine

There you have it. I couldn’t wait for 2018 to be done because it was just one challenge after another, there was hardly any room to breathe. But I’m looking forward to 2019 and the promise of new beginnings.


A tug at my heartstrings

I was shopping at Amazon tonight and seeing this brought tears to my eyes.

Those are items I used to buy for dear little Zack. How I’d love to order those things for him again.

Suddenly, I remembered my morning routine for him, preparing his food and his medicines while he was sound asleep. When he woke up, I’d brush his teeth, clean his eyes and brush his hair. My husband would take him out for a quick walk, then it was time to feed the little boy. After that, he was free to do as he pleased – usually just chillaxing on the couch with us.

It’s our first Christmas without him. For someone who didn’t speak, for such a small creature, he definitely occupied such a big space in my heart. Now more than ever, I miss my little boy.