More stuff from the old diary

2001-10-03 / 3:45 p.m.
hell of an office

I worked in the English Unit before. Now I’m trying to help a person who wants to leave that office. I’m not trying to sabotage the unit. I want to help.

I worked there for a year. It started off beautifully. The supervisor loved my productivity. She & her favorite considered me their protege. Until the day I learned that her favorite talks behind my back. That she picks on every single thing I do–whether it be attendance, production, etc. It didn’t matter to my supervisor that I was doing a damn good job. All she did was listen to her favorite.

I went cold turkey and just stopped talking to Lourdes. I will not allow myself to associate with someone like that.

Now there’s another person they’re torturing. They pick on her for everything–her perfume, her desk, anything!

I’m doing my best to help her find a place to move into. I’m not really close to her, but lately we’ve been meeting for breakfast. I’m giving her the listening ear I never had when I was in that unit. Even up to now, I haven’t forgiven Flotsam & Jetsam for what they did to me. Maybe I should start trekking the path to forgiveness. Maybe I should start forgetting. Essentially, by holding on to the hurt they made me feel, I’m giving them power and allowing them to still haunt me.

But I’m not ready.

Thinking about that place makes me think I’ve been to hell and back. I survived. I might be wounded, but I survived.

When I’d talk to the new ‘flavor of the month’, e.g., shit list addition, I relive my experience there. It happens to me all over again. And like what happened before, I’m good and determined. No one, and I mean no one must go through the hell I experienced.

It must not happen again.


2001-09-30 / 10:55 a.m.
nightmares

Woke up at 6:20 a.m. today. Had a horrible nightmare. Isn’t it interesting how you are able to surprisingly will yourself to wake up in the midst of a horrific nightmare?

I dreamt the war officially began. America’s enemies are bombing the country. I was stuck in Manhattan. Underground, a group was congregated watching news coverage that wasn’t shown by mainstream TV stations. I slid down to that lair (don’t ask me how or why, this is a dream, after all). From the lair, I saw what was happening outside–Americans in a queue, ready to board the planes that will transport them to the enemies’ place, ready to defend their country.

All of a sudden, there was a loud siren.

Everyone started running, including me.

I looked out the window. The city was all bombed out already. Lady Liberty was lying on her back. The Empire State & Chrysler Buildings were gone. New York City was in a state of chaos, with bombs dropping all over the place.

In the building where I was, we were told to evacuate. This Nazi-like man said they were taking us to camp. While we were being shepherded down the stairs, he was blasting off those he considered unfit and useless.

I had the crazy urge to go back to my desk and get some letters I wrote for my husband–letters which I supposedly wrote while the bombs were dropping. I wanted to bury them in the ground if I was unable to mail them to him. The nasty man allowed me to go up, but with a rifle pointed at my head. He was ready to shoot my brains out.

After I got and hid the letters under my clothes, I saw an officemate of mine, crying and weeping about her husband and her kids. One look at her and the bad man blasted her to smithereens. I started running down the stairs.

Downstairs, I found women in grouped together wearing this drab black uniform. Someone forced this uniform in my hands and told me to wear it. That was when I thought, “this is a dream, I have to wake up now.”

I fell asleep again around 9:30. Guess what, the dream continued.

I dare not think my dreams are prophetic. It’s too frightening.


2001-09-20 / 2:42 p.m.
TV & film industry’s decision to stop showing Twin Towers: no-no for me

Headline:

“TV, film execs reassess scheduling, content”

I can only shake my head at this headline. I read this last Friday, been ruminating about it and its implications. I feel sorry that they’re doing this. I’m not a callous, unfeeling, heartless, mean person who wants to keep seeing and seeing footages of the World Trade Center.

I just don’t see the point in trying to take out images of the Twin Towers. To me, it’s like a travesty. Erasing the memories of the Twins is like collectively forgetting, collectively deleting them from our consciousness, our minds, in the guise of moving on.

I feel outraged just thinking about it.

If we all stop showing a NY skyline minus the Twins, yes, it’s reality. Yes, we’re being sensitive to those who had families and friends who died there or are still missing. Yes, seeing those two buildings is like a sore wound, but to completely try to forget it ever existed is like making into nothing what other people died for. Thousands DIED in those towers, for crying out loud! How can we just pretend the towers were never there?

I feel a sharp pang whenever I see movies that feature the NY skyline one way or the other (“Someone Like You”, “When Night Falls”, etc.). How can you not feel that way when the Twin Towers helped define the NY skyline, in the same way the Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building and others continue to do? One look at the WTC and you know it’s New York City.

I really hope the entertainment industry will stop treating this like they’re wearing kids’ gloves. WTC existed and it’s gone now. We want to remember what it stood for, what it was and what eventually happened.

Do not make it easier for us to forget. We don’t want to forget. We won’t forget. At the same time, we need something to help us remember.

Don’t take that from us.


2001-09-17 / 9:39 p.m.
religious high ground

I’m still reeling from being called a “sinner” (because the civil wedding we had isn’t sanctioned by the Church) and having committed “mortal sin” by “living in sin”.

Who would’ve thought chatting with a friend could be so…so galling? She tried to be diplomatic about it, but eventually she used those terms anyway. *sigh* Serves me right, I was talking about tolerance and how intolerance contributed to what happened here in NY last week. I was being open-minded and she went in for the kill. I knew she didn’t approve of our civil wedding, but I wanted to hear it straight from her. She then asked me if we knew the Catholic consequences of getting married there.

I never even had the chance to defend myself and our choice.

I believe in God, but I don’t think He judges harshly. He judges with compassion and understanding.

It’s people who don’t.

“Without realizing it, we put ourselves above them, and it never occurs to us that this is arrogance.” (from a Youngblood article)


2001-09-14 / 5:07 p.m.
highschool friends

There are days when I look back on my life. I wonder why I’m friends with the people I’m friends with. Sometimes I question my decision to stay in touch with my high school friends.

They are my roots. They take me back to a time when I was young and responsibility-free. Not that I want to go back. I like knowing that someone knew me then.

They’re catty, gossipy, and competitive. In the same vein, they’re a thoughtful and perfectionist bunch … for the most part.

I stay because I’m different from them. I stay because I value loyalty—their loyalty. I stay out of a sense of obligation. I harbor no illusions that we’re all the same as we were in high school. It would be extremely pathetic if such were the case.

I stay out of a sense of duty to what they represent to me. I want to know someone also remembers—the good, the bad, the funny, and the sad—because there might come a time when I might forget.

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More DiaryLand Memories

2001-10-30 / 10:40 a.m.
e-mail hiatus

I’m on a self-imposed break in our group emails. I’ve been very quiet that they’re wondering what I’m up to.

Mostly I’ve been meditating on friendships made, kept, forgotten, broken. Wondering why other people exert the effort to keep in touch, while others just expect you to keep in touch with them. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I fall in the first category. 😦

In another group I moderate, they had the utter nerve to get mad at me for not writing to them, when they haven’t even written a single thing to me! I was reaching the point of saying, “to hell with everyone”. That’s why I decided to take a break.

Some people are just too lazy to keep in touch. Others clearly just expect to receive and not to give.

They’re not going to get anything from me for a while.


2001-10-23 / 1:46 p.m.
displeased

All of a sudden, my friends who got married this year are posting their pictures online. They’re only posting their pictures NOW, after I posted mine up. It pisses me off somehow. Like they waited to see what I can come up with before showing what they had.

As both couples got married in the Philippines, they naturally had bigger reception, bigger bridal party, bigger EVERYTHING!

I dread people pointing out that our wedding was tiny, miniscule even. It shouldn’t matter, right? But what if it doesn’t matter to you, but others point it out? I’m, what is termed in my country, pikon. I get annoyed with such things. Annoyed when people compare me to others. My best competitor is myself.

I am perfectly pleased with the wedding we had. I’d definitely do the entire wedding with my husband all over again. It was THAT fun to me. So much fun that we even thought of having a vow renewal at the same place in 5, 10 years’ time immediately after our wedding!

But now that they’re all showing their pictures, when people see how big their weddings were, now my wedding gets compared to theirs.

It really, really displeases me. It shouldn’t, but it does.


2001-10-12 / 11:00 a.m.
Nobel prize

Today’s a fine day here at work. Our morning started off with the Secretary-General meeting with us all for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. His words were quite surprisingly inspiring.

Makes working here worthwhile. Thank goodness for the Nobel Prize!


2001-10-09 / 5:05 p.m.
living the aftermath

Life goes on.

That’s what Mayor Giuliani tells us. The Secretary-General encourages us to do the same.

The brave tread forward, showing to the terrorists and to the rest of the world that America might be wounded, but it will rise back.

You concern yourself with what others see—by putting up a brave front. You go to work. You go shopping. You watch a movie. You eat at restaurants. You watch Broadway shows. But looking inwards, you see a different picture.

You act as if everything’s fine with the world. You deny yourself the fear, the panic, the alarm, and the dread.

You wake up in the morning. Some days are good. Some days are not. There are days when you wake up filled with apprehension. Another workday in an office located in a building that is a potential target of terrorists. A sitting duck, mind you, with the river behind it and a street in front of it.

You take a shower. You change into your work clothes. You leave for work. You sit in the train, praying that everything will be fine. Any weird behaviour calls your attention now. The nap that you used to take while riding the subway is gone, forever lost, replaced by a heightened sense of awareness. A crowd merits your suspicion. You stay away from the major train stations like the Grand Central & Penn Stations. You look people in the eye. Every train delay makes you wonder if something’s happening.

You arrive at work. You sit at your desk, turn on your computer, and log in. You look at your desk, look at the things you need to do … or at least what you’re supposed to do. Then you hear a noise behind you. You look out the window to check. Nothing. You heave a sigh of relief. Then you hear sirens—ambulance or police, you don’t know. Furthermore, you don’t really care about the difference. You just want to know what’s happening. You look out the window again to check.

Many times during the day, you go to the window to look out and check. Many times. Then you come to the sad realization … I wasn’t like this before. I only looked out my window to see whether it was raining or snowing, sunny or cloudy. I never looked out to see if there might be unusual activity, whether there are terrorists running amuck, never.

You feel violated. You can relate now to how a rape victim feels like. No more sense of safety and security. Always afraid. Always looking behind your shoulder to see who’s following you. What might happen next.

There’s nothing to be worried about, they say. Isn’t that the same thing they said to those in the Twin Towers after the first plane hit?

Finally, it’s time to go home. You feel grateful for making it through another day. You board the subway. Once again, the concern, the worry, the anxiety. At home, you lie down on your bed and close your eyes.

Turn off the television. Turn off the radio. Turn off the computer. Throw out the newspaper. Pretend that everything’s all right. Pretend that everything’s as it should be.

By tuning out everything, maybe the bad things will cease to exist, even for just a few seconds, a few minutes, a few hours.

But the terror haunts you. In your dreams.

It changes you. You don’t want to change, but you do.


2001-10-05 / 12:05 p.m.
e-mail insanity

Ever noticed how many times a day you check your emails? I’ve noticed myself opening & closing my three email accounts so many times, I’ve lost count. It’s not as if I’m waiting for an important email.

What brings on this kind of behavior?

I get a thrill out of seeing something in my inbox—not a spam mail, not a forward—an actual email. Yay! Sometimes I want to know that people still remember me. Not that I really still like being friends with some of them. Some of those friendships seem terminally dead, but being maintained by the respirator that is email.

Somehow, when you get an email, you still get the feeling that you still have friends. It’s more for your mental health, more than anything.

I really should stop this foolish behavior. There has to be more to life than emails. 

The Forgotten DiaryLand Diary

While I was going through my passwords file tonight, I came across my username and password for good ol’ DiaryLand. Guess it’s pretty obvious what it’s about. It was a website where I had an online diary back in the early 2000s. Since I will be deleting my account there and couldn’t find a way to export my old stuff before deletion, I’m posting it here instead. For giggles.

These are the last five posts that I can actually view. The rest, I’m supposed to pay for access. Hell no. Instead I decided to “edit” each entry, and copy it here. I’m posting it here as an archive of sorts.


Other old posts:

2001-12-09 / 8:57 a.m.
chores, shoes, decisions

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain.

HAH!

Bet you didn’t realize that came from a song. Anyway, yes indeed, it’s raining here. I’m awake already.

I just don’t get it.

How come when it’s a workday, it’s so difficult to wake up early? But when it’s a weekend, I automatically wake up when it’s 8 a.m.!

It’s galling! I’m wasting perfectly good sleep by being awake! To think that it’s even raining. It’s a perfect time to sleep!

So what do I need to do today?

Finish writing on Christmas cards. Stamp accordingly. Review final photos to be placed on wedding album. Decide finally whether to go flush or reversible with the album. Go to IKEA. Check out prices for bedroom furniture. Wander about happily in IKEA. Clean up bedroom (even just a little). Clean up bathroom (then again, think of a charming way for dear husband to clean up bathroom).

Yesterday was fun. Dear hubby bought a suit for the party on the 17th while I bought my little navy blue bag. I’m undecided. Should I have my white shoes (the one I wore during my wedding) dyed navy blue? It just looks so pretty! I don’t know if it’s prettiness in white will translate into prettiness in navy blue.

Ahhh…decisions, decisions.


2001-12-07 / 9:45 p.m.
WDW craving

It’s been a month since I last had an entry in this journal. Been a crazy month, what with Christmas shopping, work and post-wedding details.

The Disney bug has bitten me again and I’m ignoring it! Had I enough foresight, I could’ve at least surprised my husband with a Disney Christmas trip. It would’ve been good for him and me too! But nooooo…I didn’t even bother. I actually thought I’d be okay not going to Disney until sometime in the future when the desire strikes again. Now I’m the one who’s got the craving for Disney magic.

I don’t care what other people say about Disney. It’s perfectly fine with me if they don’t even like it! But I like it and that’s what matters. You might be a spectator while there, waiting for things to happen to you, but you know what? They make you feel happy being a spectator!

Most of the resorts are already booked. The airfares are already super expensive. Maybe we can aim for a Disney Christmas trip next year.


2001-11-07 / 10:55 p.m.
on loving

Loving is not so difficult to do.

Go easy, don’t push and above all else don’t listen to negatives. You know each other better than anyone else. As you know everyone has an opinion and this is mine – be a single entity and an individual at the same time.

Give each other some growing room without losing sight of each other.

Don’t try to change him and grow together, emotionally and intellectually

Be happy in all the good times you have together and loyal in the not-so-good times. This will give you security and strength. You will know that you are not alone, that you have not been abandoned, that you can count on someone else always.


2001-11-05 / 10:31 a.m.
horoscope to ponder about

“You have a sentimental side that is sometimes triggered by a smell, the shape of an item, or a color. Right now you are especially sensitive, and small things could affect you throughout the day, transporting you back to earlier times in your life. You could experience a real mixture of emotions as part of this. In some ways, you might long for those earlier times, and yet it was also a tough period for you. Try to find parallels between your youth and your present circumstances; you may gain some important insights.”


2001-11-01 / 2:24 p.m.
an affront to my sensibilities

My married friends say that being married is different from being an unmarried couple. It gets on my nerves.

I, who have been in a long-term relationship for the past 6 years. I, who even started being in a relationship way before they even met their respective spouses. Their only advantage to me? They got married earlier than we did.

I feel slighted. At worse, insulted. Yes, it’s not the number of years together, it’s the quality of years you spent together. But I beg to disagree. Although we have been a couple for so long, our years of togetherness must be good for something. We have undergone so many tests together, so many trials & tribulations. Doesn’t that count for something in the scheme of things? To think we weren’t even married at the time those things came our way, doesn’t that say something about our relationship?

What makes for a good relationship isn’t that gold band in your ring finger. It helps, yes. It signifies commitment, yes. But there’s more to a relationship than those symbols.

We were not engaged until last year. People wondered what we were waiting for, why we weren’t rushing into marriage. Others thought it was him who didn’t want to get married when in fact, it was ME! Strangely, as early as our first year together, we knew we were marrying each other. We just knew. How many couples can actually say that in all honesty?

Rings, bracelets, what-have-yous—these things have value for as long as the persons exchanging them think so and believe so. It’s cute. It’s sweet but it’s not the be-all and end-all of a relationship. It’s only as good as the feelings of the persons exchanging them. It is clearly not the only thing a relationship is about.

Love isn’t any less in value if you don’t get married immediately, or exchange gorgeous rings. It doesn’t even make your love for each other more valuable. These are all symbols. They’re not love’s standard of measurement.

How many couples have you heard say, “oh! You weren’t like that when I met you!”

You can’t discount what we’ve been through as a couple—an unmarried couple. You can’t say, “oh, wait till you’re married. That’s when you’ll find out how he is.” It can be true, yes, if the couple has been putting on an act for each other, showing their best sides, putting their best foot forward in the course of their relationship as an unmarried couple.

Maybe if couples spend far more time actually knowing each other rather than looking at each other through rose-colored glasses, then maybe they wouldn’t easily discount the possibility of a couple actually enjoying a good relationship. It’s not the quantity they say, but the quality.

But what if there exists an exception to that? What if there actually exists a couple who have been together for so long and still enjoy a perfectly interesting relationship? Does that make their relationship any less real?

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More old diary posts to follow!