That strangely bittersweet early morning dream

I dreamt of Zack early this morning.

Ever since he passed away, I’ve only dreamt of him once – I cleaned his face, but somehow couldn’t see it clearly. Then he walked far from me, then turned his back and walked on towards some destination I knew not of. This morning’s dream was clearer. So clear, it stayed with me the whole day up till now. I’m posting it here because I don’t want to forget.

In my dream this morning, hubby and I plus some other people were supposed to go back somewhere (not sure where “back” was), so we packed our stuff and were waiting in line to check in our luggage. Then from a distance, I saw Zack running up the stairs with at least two other shih tzus. The face was clearly him and he looked happy. So happy that I felt happy for him. Especially since he was running, something he enjoyed doing when he was alive. We locked eyes briefly, and I nodded and smiled in acknowledgment. Then he turned around with his friends and ran off again. His body no longer had the black markings; it was all white. But his face remained the same cute black and white color. Then I woke up.

Somehow, I understand the meaning of the dream. After Zack passed away, I’ve been thinking that maybe things would’ve been different if we were back in the U.S. That maybe being here was a mistake because we lost him here. That if I can turn back time knowing what I know now, then we wouldn’t be here. But then in the dream, he appeared to show me that he was fine. He was having fun. Like he was telling me, “there’s no reason to question your decision, Mommy. I’m happy. I’m with friends.”

Hubby wondered if the other two shih tzus with Zack in my dream were Zack’s biological parents. That would be nice, right? If that’s the case, I hope they know how well-loved Zack is. I hope they know how we tried our best to give him a good life. I hope they know how big of a difference he made, not just to us, but to the entire family who overcame their fear of dogs because of Zack. I hope they know how sorry we are that his last days got so tough. But if they’re all together now, then that’s very comforting indeed.

Oh, and in addition to the dream, I thought I heard Zack’s little whine yesterday while I was watching TV. It was his whine when he wanted a little attention. But silly me, I thought it wasn’t possible…that maybe it was the electric air freshener that made the sound. When that darn thing finally sprayed, it sounded different. Then I realized the whine was Zack. My baby was around.

His 40th day is coming up this Monday. We think that he’s saying his goodbyes now. My little baby is finally ready to go and have fun in heaven. Still very thoughtful, that little one. Don’t worry, we won’t hold you back with our grief. You deserve heaven – all that and more. Just remember that you’ll always be my little baby, the best little boy ever.

 

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