Just like that *snaps fingers* eight months have passed by since Zack went to heaven.
Last week, I wondered why I haven’t felt or seen any sign from him. Then I dreamt of him the other day, which reminded me of his final days. I nearly went on a downward spiral again. The blame, regret, guilt, sadness. Wondering if he knew and/or understood that everything we did, we did because we thought it was the best. But I stopped myself enough because spiraling would be useless.
I miss my little boy.
Surprisingly, the in-denial part of me wants another black and white male Shih Tzu with the same or similar markings as Zack. I even thought of naming him Zack Two. That way, it will seem like Zack lives on. I wouldn’t need to face the reality of him being gone forever.
Of course, I’m well aware that’s not facing reality at all. No one needs to tell me that. I also know that I’m nowhere near ready to have another furbaby. Not sure if that will happen, although I know there are so many furbabies out there who need love, attention and a good home, something we can very well provide. But not right now. As I told my husband, at most I’d consider fostering, teach those broken, little ones that there await hope and love for them, no matter what they’ve been through. Maybe we can help them heal their broken hearts and spirits, and they can help us do the same.
Zack left such a big void in our hearts, but the sad thing about it is that it’s really grief unspoken. No one asks us how we’re doing. We just go about our day without people realizing how some days are really a struggle. Yet the reasons we laugh every day are memories we have of him too. He was funny in his own way, and bossy too! He brought such love and laughter to our lives, not just the sadness we feel now. The many happy memories we have of him that we can look back on still outweigh the sadness. That’s not so bad now, is it?