Unbidden thoughts

While lying on the couch this morning. . .

I miss my little boy.
I miss seeing him asleep in my arms. It’s like he’s that comfortable with me that he can sleep and snore.

I don’t know how I made it to today without him.


It’s been four months

We’re now on to the fourth month since we lost Zack.

Yes, it still hurts. I still miss him. I still think about him everyday. When I see little dogs, I still feel that twinge in my heart because I miss him. I made plans that included him, plans that I still want to see through because I should.

Late Thursday night and early Friday morning, I heard scratching sounds twice like how Zack used to make on carpet. How the sound was possible given we live in a carpet-free place now is beyond me. Thursday was a very stressful day for me, and it seems my little one was worried about me.

Early this week, I got so angry because hubby brought up the topic of Zack’s last few days. It was a topic that I’m trying to move away from because his last few days were tough. Why he wanted to relive it, I’ve no idea. Perhaps I’m in denial, but there is more to Zack’s life than his last few days. He deserved to be remembered for all the love and laughter he brought to our lives. In retrospect, he held on as hard as he could for us despite his pain. Thinking of it that way is already a punch in the gut. But I know that we have to forgive ourselves for that. We can’t keep reliving something that we can’t do anything about. If it was possible to travel back in time and change things, then sure, why not? But things don’t happen that way. What’s done is done.

I wouldn’t miss Zack so much if he didn’t matter. If there’s one thing I know about love, when it’s real, it’s not something you can deny, no matter how hard you try. All I can do now is take each day as it comes. Try to focus on the good times and the joy he brought to us. It’s the best way to honor his life.



Something about old dogs

I found this on the K9 Companion Dog Training Facebook Page written by Leigh Curtis of Port Jervis, NY. It’s beautiful. While I cry everytime I read it, it also brings me comfort.

I also dreamt of Zack early this morning. In my dream, we were at home, although it was a home I don’t recognize. He was curled up in his bed and I approached him to pick him up. He willingly went with me and I carried him how I usually did. When I woke up, I was crying. I tried to sleep again just so my dream can continue, but I couldn’t anymore. Anyway, here’s the post that tugged my heartstrings. I still miss my baby, but life goes on.

Old dogs don’t die; they can’t. They’ve merely run up ahead; they’re waiting for us just out of sight. Close your eyes late at night and you may smell his musky odor, or perhaps hear his snuffle from the next room. Pay attention and you may feel his nose on your hand or the back of your calf. When your final day comes, you can go on to meet him; he’s never left you and never will, and when you close your eyes for the last time, you’ll open them again to be met with his Bright eyes and wagging tail.

Old dogs don’t die, at least, not those dogs who take the biggest chunks of our hearts with them when they leave us. Those dogs are inextricably part of our souls, and they go with us wherever we are. Though we may not see them, we know they’re there because our heart is still beating; we still breathe, and those of us who have been truly touched by a good dog know our lives really started the day we met them.

Magnificent dogs don’t die. They shepherd our dreams and only allow the good ones through the gates of our consciousness. They watch over us much as they did in life, and that moment when we step just barely outside of death or disaster, it’s because they moved our feet or they stopped short in front of us as they did in life.

You see, a good dog is something only given to a few people. They are a gift from the universe and, though they’re with us only a short time, they never really leave us. They are loyalty and love perfected, and once we are graced with that sort of love we can never lose it. We merely lose sight of it for a time, and that is our fault; for how can love like that ever go away?

It can’t. It can’t, and it never will. For these brave souls trade their hearts for ours, and they beat together beyond sickness, beyond death. They are ours, and we are theirs, for every sunrise and every sunset, until the sun blazes its last and we once again join the stars.

By Leigh Curtis,
K9 Companion Dog Training
Port Jervis, NY